Last weekend, we were invited to a birthday dinner which was being held by my sweet friend from high school (whom I found again only recently). I was really looking forward to the occasion.
Hours before the event, I asked myself whether there would be any other old high school acquaintances present at the dinner also. As we drove closer to the city, I became more and more unsettled about the evening.
To understand where I am going with this, I will briefly explain some of the history.
I went to an all-girls school. The fact that I will not subject my kids, especially if it is a girl, to a same-sex school – ever – is not the point I guess.
Yes, there was quite a bit of bitching and backstabbing, but, hey, our group of 7 or so got along with each other most of the time anyway.
Then I announced that I would be doing my final year at another high school, and I left. I have no recollection of how any of them felt about my departure. My guess is that everything I had ever said (and supposedly said) in confidence to the others came out into the open, and was dissected to death by all of them. Hence, most – if not all of them – turned against me. It was like an out of sight, out of mind thing but worse.
Now, that is how I remember things. If I have told it incorrectly, my angel has blocked it out of my memory for the protection of my sanity. Thank-you dear angel. Plus, we are talking more than 10 years ago here.
The upsetting thing is that within that school, my behaviour fitted perfectly. As a result of me being there for 4 years, my bitching and backstabbing was a horrible by-product.
nLord of the Flies… but on a teensy weensier scale of course.
I will add here that the aforementioned birthday girl was always the odd one out in our group. Only because she was the most genuine. Unfortunately, I was too foolish to see that; what does one do when they are covered from head to toe in their own by-product waste? God, that does sound awful doesn”t it?
When I was 18, I went off to Queensland for 7 years so any chances of run-ins or reconciliations were next to impossible.
The problem is, I feel as though the passing years have intensified what really happened; perhaps my memory has become distorted with age.
Last year, my angel decides that the only girl worth keeping in contact with is sweet birthday friend. It turned out that the guy who did their wedding video was also doing ours. She and her new husband arrived to pick up their video and upon seeing her, I almost fell over myself!
Sadly, I acknowledge that when I look back on my high school days, all I see is the bitching and backstabbing. Consequently, – excluding my new-found friend – the rebuilding of any previous “friendships” from that school is not on my agenda.
Fast Forward yet again to it being minutes away from the birthday dinner. We are in the car, driving along, and I say to my Boy that I will be fine if I am not sitting near them.
We arrive. Not counting birthday girl, there were three other high school acquaintances there. Only one of them was from the old group. Sure enough (’cause what I think is what I attract), I find myself sitting directly opposite her.
I am shy by nature. A glass of wine usually helps, but was doing nothing that night. Unsure of how to deal with the situation, I looked everywhere except across from me.
I was not thinking anything derogatory about these girls. I was past that. At 27, I am a stranger next to the teenager they knew me as. I just simply wanted to be sitting somewhere else. I did not want to make conversation with any of them.
As for the girl who sat across from me, I actually regret not asking her (at least) how she was doing. I was afraid that she would think I wanted to rebuild something.
But then again, the energy wasn’t right. We weren’t on the same level, and never will be.
I realise that I am probably not over how things ended with our once close-knit group; but needed to have Friday night’s experience to establish this.
Posted by livien 